In the world of comedy, where humor knows no bounds and wit reigns supreme, Demetri Martin has carved out a unique niche for himself. With a penchant for clever wordplay, thought-provoking one-liners, and a distinct brand of humor that transcends the ordinary, Demetri Martin has become a comedic force to be reckoned with.
"Demetri Martin Quotes" encapsulates the essence of his comedic genius, offering a glimpse into the wit and intellect that underlie his humor. From his musings on everyday life to his unique take on complex topics, Demetri Martin's quotes are a testament to his ability to find humor in the mundane and shed light on the absurdities of the human experience.
Demetri Martin Quotes (2024)
Demetri Martin, a master of wit and wordplay, has a unique ability to find humor in the most unexpected places. His distinctive style of comedy combines clever observations with a dash of surrealism, resulting in a comedic experience that is both thought-provoking and side-splittingly funny. Dive into this collection of "Demetri Martin Quotes" and discover the world through his eyes, where everyday situations become the canvas for his brilliant comedic artistry.
"I think vests are all about protection. Like, what's the purpose of one? To keep your chest warm and to protect it from the sun. And to keep pens from going into your heart."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
"Somebody in that car is going to die in a high-speed accident. Somebody's going to be trapped in a burning car. There's a person who is going to wake up from a bad dream and see a ghost. That guy is going to get so scared he'll have a heart attack. I'm getting close to that age."
"I'm an odd combination of 'Really, really bored' and 'Impressed.'"
"I have an L-shaped sofa. Lowercase."
"A lot of people think I'm a smartass. I think I'm just an ass."
"Whenever I'm on an elevator, and somebody else gets on, I feel really uncomfortable. I'm like, 'I can't look at them. Look at the numbers. Just look at the numbers.'"
"I can't tell if you're serious or not, but if you're serious, that's really serious."
"I once walked into a room and forgot why I was there. Then I remembered: I was getting some salsa."
"I like it when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'"
"I played a lot of hide and seek as a kid. That was the one game my friends and I could agree on. I was never 'It.'"
"I have a dictionary. It's on the floor. I guess it just fell off the shelf one day, and I just haven't had the heart to pick it up."
"I was going to be a professional baseball player. But I had to throw that idea out."
"I can levitate birds. No one cares."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws. Only catapults."
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
"I like escalators because they can never break; they can only become stairs."
"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
"I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.'"
"I'm not addicted to the Internet. I just use the Internet every day for everything I do."
"I bought a cactus. A week later, it died. And I got depressed because I thought, 'Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.'"
"I think it's interesting how 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I like being 35, I just wish I were better at it."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"I'm very polite by nature; even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences."
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple, you might be like, 'Huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket, you're like, 'This is nice!'"
"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."
"I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks things."
"When I play the piano, I don't know what I'm doing. That's when I realize I'm doing the right thing."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"I'm trying to figure out what I want to be for Halloween. It's between 'dead inside' and 'stressed out.'"
"I wonder what the word for 'boring' is in the thesaurus."
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
"I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
"I used to be a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
"I saw a guy juggling chainsaws, it was pretty cool. But then he did something unexpected and threw one up in the air. That's when things got out of hand."
"I think it's cool when a girl eats a whole slice of pizza."
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."
"I think vests are all about protection. Like, what's the purpose of one? To keep your chest warm and to protect it from the sun. And to keep pens from going into your heart."
"I'm very polite by nature. Even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"I'm trying to figure out what I want to be for Halloween. It's between 'dead inside' and 'stressed out.'"
"I wonder what the word for 'boring' is in the thesaurus."
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
"I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
"I used to be a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
"I saw a guy juggling chainsaws, it was pretty cool. But then he did something unexpected and threw one up in the air. That's when things got out of hand."
"I think it's cool when a girl eats a whole slice of pizza."
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."
"I think vests are all about protection. Like, what's the purpose of one? To keep your chest warm and to protect it from the sun. And to keep pens from going into your heart."
"I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'"
"When I was a kid, I used to play hide and seek all the time. Then, one day, I played hide and seek alone. They found me."
"I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walking along the border with a friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?'"
"I was in the shower, and I had a beer. That's not a good place to have a beer. It's like, 'I'm getting all soapy. Oh well, cheers.'"
"I'm an adult, but not like a real adult. I'm like an adult in training, like an intern adult."
"I saw a shampoo bottle that said, 'Lather, rinse, repeat.' But I didn't want to, so I just did it once. It felt like a crazy thing to do. It was like, 'I'm not doing it again. I'm a rebel.'"
"I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I used to be a clown, but I had a problem with the shoes."
"I bought a house, and it came with an oven, a refrigerator, and a washer and dryer, but it didn't come with a microwave. I didn't want to buy a microwave, so I just had to imagine my food being hot."
"I don't like to interrupt people when they're talking. But I do it anyway."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking along that little path that he walks on, and you tripped and fell on that path, you might be dead, but it would be by accident."
"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'"
"I don't like talking about politics. I think it's like reliving a bad meal."
"My father is from Japan, and my mother is from Ohio. I grew up in Mexico."
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. 'Like, if someone just mailed you an apple, you might be like, 'Huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket, you're like, 'This is nice!'"
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
"I got a perm because I thought it would make me look like a wizard."
"I love playing the triangle. It's pretty low-key."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this."
"I'm writing a script for a play in which a man talks to God. So the title is 'Chatting with the Deity.'"
"I have a digital camera, but I still get my film developed because I'm old school. I like to have that little piece of acetate, that negative. I can touch it, it's real, you know? A digital photograph is just a bunch of ones and zeroes out there in the ether. But a negative, man, you can hold it. You can look at it, put it up to the light."
"I don't know if you've ever seen this before, but it's like a big plastic bottle cap, but inside it's filled with water. You put it on your head, and it makes you sweat, like exercise."
"I have a door on my shower, and it's the same door as my front door. It's also a revolving door. I can't get out."
"I was walking down the street, and I found a satchel with a million dollars in it. I was walking down the street, and I found a satchel with a million dollars in it. I bought some used highlighters."
"I bought a shirt. It says, 'One size fits all.' I thought, 'That's cool. People come in one size.'"
"I like to use 'I can't believe it's not butter' on my toast in the morning because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. 'How was breakfast?' 'Unbelievable.'"
"I had to get my teeth cleaned. I don't know why. But the dentist is going to do it, and I'm just going to sit there. And I'm thinking, 'I'll be in my chair, and you can take care of it while I relax.'"
"I went to a doctor for a physical. I told him, 'Hey, I have a ringing in my ears.' He said, 'Don't answer it.'"
"I bought a cactus. A week later, it died. And I got depressed because I thought, 'Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.'"
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
"I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
"I used to be a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
"I saw a guy juggling chainsaws, it was pretty cool. But then he did something unexpected and threw one up in the air. That's when things got out of hand."
"I think it's cool when a girl eats a whole slice of pizza."
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."
"I think vests are all about protection. Like, what's the purpose of one? To keep your chest warm and to protect it from the sun. And to keep pens from going into your heart."
"I'm very polite by nature; even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"I'm trying to figure out what I want to be for Halloween. It's between 'dead inside' and 'stressed out.'"
"I wonder what the word for 'boring' is in the thesaurus."
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
"I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
In this world of intricate perspectives and multifaceted humor, Demetri Martin has managed to craft a realm where wit intertwines with absurdity, and everyday observations transform into comedic gems. As we reflect on the tapestry of laughter he has woven with his words, it's clear that "Demetri Martin Quotes" embody a distinctive charm that tickles our intellect and makes us embrace the delightful oddities of life.
These quotes, like Demetri himself, are a reminder that even in the most mundane moments, there's room for humor, contemplation, and a touch of the unexpected. So, let us continue to savor the laughter, the quirks, and the brilliance of "Demetri Martin Quotes" as they bring a grin to our faces and a chuckle to our hearts.
