More results...
More results...
I've been in love before. I've felt those butterflies, made those promises, and even picked out engagement rings. But here's what I learned the hard way: falling in love is easy, but building a life together? That's where things get real.
Marriage isn't just about the wedding day or the honeymoon phase. It's about waking up next to the same person for decades, navigating life's storms together, and still choosing each other when things get tough. That's why I believe you should do not marry someone until you have honestly answer these questions that really matter.
I'm not trying to scare you away from marriage—quite the opposite. I want your marriage to thrive. These questions aren't meant to create doubt; they're designed to build a foundation so strong that nothing can shake it. Think of them as your relationship's stress test before the real challenges begin.
Quickly Move to
This might sound basic, but it's the foundation of everything else. I'm talking about those moments when you're not at your best—when you're cranky, vulnerable, or just plain weird. Do you feel safe showing all sides of yourself?
I remember pretending to love hiking with my ex because I thought that's what he wanted. Two years in, I finally admitted I hated it, and it became this huge thing. Now I know better. If you're constantly filtering yourself or walking on eggshells, that's not sustainable. You need someone who loves your quirks, accepts your flaws, and makes you feel at home just by being yourself.
Pay attention to how you feel after spending time together. Energized or drained? Authentic or performative? The right person should make you feel more like yourself, not less.
Every couple fights—it's not about avoiding conflict, it's about handling it well. When we disagree, do we attack the problem or each other? I've learned that how you fight matters more than how often.
Healthy fighting means no name-calling, no bringing up past mistakes as weapons, and no stonewalling. It means taking breaks when things get heated and coming back to resolve issues calmly. My partner and I have a rule: we can be mad at the situation, but we're always on the same team.
Watch out for contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and emotional withdrawal. These are relationship killers. Instead, look for someone who can admit when they're wrong, who listens to understand rather than to win, and who works with you to find solutions.
Love isn't always enough if you're heading in completely different directions. I learned this when I dated someone who wanted to travel the world indefinitely while I was ready to put down roots. Neither of us was wrong, but we weren't right for each other.
Sit down and really talk about where you see yourselves in 5, 10, 20 years. Career ambitions, lifestyle preferences, where you want to live—these things matter. You don't need identical goals, but they should complement each other. Can you support each other's dreams without sacrificing your own?
Be honest about deal-breakers. If one of you desperately wants kids and the other doesn't, that's not something you can compromise on. Better to know now than resent each other later.
Money fights are one of the top reasons marriages fail, and I get why. Financial compatibility isn't just about how much you earn—it's about your attitudes toward spending, saving, and sharing resources.
I once dated someone who spent money the moment it hit their account while I was squirreling away every penny. Neither approach was wrong, but the constant tension was exhausting. Now I know to have these conversations early. Are they a saver or spender? How do they handle debt? What are their financial goals?
You don't need identical money habits, but you need to understand each other's approach and find middle ground. Will you combine finances or keep them separate? Who pays for what? These aren't romantic conversations, but they're crucial ones.
Trust isn't just about fidelity—though that's obviously important. It's about believing they have your best interests at heart, that they'll follow through on promises, and that they're honest even when it's uncomfortable.
I gauge trust by how I feel when they're not around. Am I anxious about what they're doing or who they're with? Do I feel the need to check their phone? If yes, that's a red flag. Trust should feel effortless, not like something you're constantly working to maintain.
Also consider: do they trust you? Trust is a two-way street. If either of you is carrying baggage from past relationships that creates jealousy or suspicion, that needs addressing before walking down the aisle.
Independence in a relationship is healthy and necessary. I've been in relationships where every moment apart felt like a crisis, and it's exhausting. Your partner should enhance your life, not be your entire life.
Do you both have your own friends, hobbies, and interests? Can you enjoy a weekend apart without constant check-ins or guilt trips? A secure relationship allows space for individual growth. If someone needs to know your every move or gets upset when you want alone time, that's concerning.
The goal is interdependence, not codependence. You should miss each other when apart but not fall apart. Your relationship should be strong enough to handle distance and secure enough to celebrate independence.
Want to see someone's true character? Watch how they treat servers, retail workers, or anyone in a service position. I once ended a relationship after watching my date berate a waiter over a minor mistake. That moment told me everything I needed to know.
Kindness isn't selective. If they're charming to you but rude to others, that charm will eventually wear off. Pay attention to how they talk about their exes, how they treat their family, and how they interact with strangers. Do they have empathy for others' struggles?
This extends to how they handle inconvenience or frustration. Road rage, impatience in lines, or overreacting to small problems are all indicators of how they'll handle bigger stresses in marriage.
This isn't just a yes or no question—it's about the entire approach to parenthood. I've seen marriages crumble over disagreements about discipline, education, and parenting styles that should have been discussed beforehand.
If you both want kids, dig deeper. How many? When? What are your views on discipline, screen time, public vs. private school? What if you struggle with fertility? Are you open to adoption? What about religion and cultural traditions?
If one or both of you doesn't want kids, that needs to be crystal clear. Don't assume they'll change their mind. And please, don't have kids to save a relationship—that never works and isn't fair to anyone involved.
Let's be real—sexual compatibility matters. But intimacy is more than just physical. It's about emotional connection, affection, and feeling desired by your partner. I've been in relationships where the spark died, and trying to force it back never worked.
Are you satisfied with your sex life? Can you talk openly about needs and desires? Do you show affection in ways that make each other feel loved? Remember, intimacy often changes over time, but the foundation of attraction and connection should be solid.
Emotional intimacy is equally important. Can you be vulnerable with each other? Do you feel emotionally safe? A marriage without emotional intimacy is just a roommate situation with shared bills.
In-law issues might seem like a sitcom trope, but they're real and can be marriage-ending. I've watched friends struggle with overbearing mothers-in-law or partners who always chose their family over their spouse.
How often will you see each family? Where will you spend holidays? How much influence will parents have on your decisions? What if family members don't respect boundaries? These conversations matter, especially if one of you is very close to family and the other values independence.
Also consider: how does their family treat you? And how does your family treat them? If there's tension now, marriage won't magically fix it. You need a plan for handling family dynamics as a united front.
Life will throw curveballs—job loss, illness, death of loved ones. I've learned that stress doesn't build character; it reveals it. When my dad got sick, I saw how my partner stepped up without being asked. That told me more about our future than any romantic gesture could.
Think about how they've handled past crises. Do they shut down, lash out, or problem-solve? Can they support you when you're struggling, or do they make it about themselves? Stress is inevitable; what matters is whether you face it together or let it drive you apart.
Some people are rock solid in crisis, others crumble. Neither is wrong, but you need to know what you're working with. Can you be strong for each other when needed?
Communication is everything, but we all do it differently. I'm a talk-it-out person; I need to process verbally. My ex was a think-it-through person who needed space before discussing issues. Neither style was wrong, but we never found a balance.
How do you each express needs, concerns, and feelings? Are you direct or do you drop hints? Do you need immediate resolution or time to cool off? Understanding these differences helps prevent miscommunication and resentment.
Good communication also means active listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk. Can you have difficult conversations without them becoming arguments? Do you feel heard and understood? These skills can be learned, but both people need to be willing.
Mental health affects relationships profoundly. I'm not saying people with mental health challenges shouldn't get married—I have anxiety myself. But awareness and management are crucial. Ignoring mental health issues doesn't make them disappear; it makes them relationship landmines.
Are both of you aware of your mental health needs? Are you getting help if needed? How do symptoms affect your relationship? It's not about being "fixed" before marriage, but about being honest and proactive about mental health.
Also important: are you trying to "save" or "fix" each other? That's not a healthy foundation for marriage. You can support each other, but you can't be each other's therapist.
Real life isn't all date nights and vacations. It's grocery shopping, cleaning toilets, and deciding whose turn it is to call the plumber. I know couples who've split over household chore distribution—it sounds petty until you're living it.
Who does what around the house? How clean is clean enough for each of you? What about cooking, yard work, and home maintenance? These daily life negotiations can breed resentment if not addressed. You need a partner, not another person to clean up after.
Don't forget about career expectations, work-life balance, and geographical preferences. Will someone's career take priority? Are you both okay with the current division of labor? These "boring" topics determine your daily happiness.
This is the ultimate question. Not just surviving together, but actually enjoying each other's company in 40 years. I try to picture us retired, maybe a little gray, still laughing at inside jokes. Can you see it?
Think beyond the current excitement. When passion naturally ebbs and flows, what's left? Is there genuine friendship, respect, and enjoyment of each other's company? Do you have fun together doing absolutely nothing?
Consider how they're aging now. Are they growing as a person or stuck in patterns? Do they take care of themselves physically and mentally? Are they curious about life or set in their ways? The person you marry is the person you'll grow old with—make sure you like who they're becoming.
Sometimes we see warning signs but explain them away because we're in love. I've been guilty of this too. But certain behaviors only get worse after marriage, not better.
Watch for controlling behavior, even if it seems like "caring too much." Isolation from friends and family, constant criticism, or making you feel like you're always wrong—these aren't love. They're manipulation. Substance abuse issues, anger problems, or any form of abuse (emotional, physical, financial) are absolute deal-breakers.
If your gut says something's wrong, listen. Your instincts exist for a reason. Don't marry someone hoping they'll change—marry them exactly as they are right now.
I spent months planning my first wedding—choosing flowers, tasting cakes, finding the perfect dress. I spent almost no time discussing the actual marriage. Big mistake. The wedding is one day; the marriage is (hopefully) forever.
These questions aren't meant to kill romance. They're meant to build a foundation strong enough to keep romance alive through real life. Every couple who's made it 50 years will tell you the same thing: love isn't enough. You need compatibility, communication, and commitment to working through whatever comes.
Having these conversations shows maturity and real love. It says, "I care enough about us to do this right." It's not about finding someone perfect—it's about finding someone whose imperfections work with yours.
Marriage is beautiful, challenging, and life-changing. It deserves more thought than we often give it. I've learned that the couples who last aren't the ones who never faced problems—they're the ones who faced them honestly before saying "I do."
If you've worked through these questions together and still want to marry this person, that's a beautiful thing. You're going in with eyes wide open, realistic expectations, and a solid foundation. That's so much more valuable than any fairytale.
Remember, there's no rush. Better to date for five years and be sure than marry after one and realize you didn't really know each other. Your future self will thank you for taking the time to get this right.
The right person won't be scared off by these conversations. They'll appreciate that you're taking your future together seriously. After all, if you can't talk about these things now, how will you handle them when they come up in marriage?
Take your time. Be honest. Trust your gut. And remember—the goal isn't just to get married. It's to stay happily married. These questions are your roadmap to making that happen.