Embarking on a journey into the world of "Judge Smails Quotes" is like stepping onto the hallowed greens of a golf course where humor, wit, and a touch of eccentricity converge. Judge Elihu Smails, the iconic character from the comedy classic "Caddyshack," brought to life by the legendary actor Ted Knight, is a wellspring of comedic wisdom and memorable one-liners.
Judge Smails Quotes (2024)
Step onto the green and delve into the world of Judge Smails, the beloved character from the comedy classic "Caddyshack." Judge Smails, portrayed by the legendary Ted Knight, is known for his memorable one-liners and comedic insights that have kept audiences laughing for decades. In this collection of "Judge Smails Quotes," we celebrate the wit and humor of this iconic character.
"Well, we're waiting."
"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."
"Ty, what did you shoot today?"
"Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity."
"Oh, Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that? You're a little monkey woman."
"I want a hamburger, no cheese. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake, I want potato chips."
"I've got a lot of friends in Los Angeles. But who needs them? You're right. I'm wrong."
"It's easy to grin when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat."
"My uncle says you got a screw loose."
"The world needs ditch diggers, too."
"Ty, what's the big hitter?"
"Danny, this is a pressure cooker. This golf course here, this is my course."
"You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself."
"A flute without holes is not a flute. A donut without a hole is a Danish."
"Who is this guy? Who is this guy?"
"You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body."
"What are you caddies doing out here? Don't you have homes?"
"Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo."
"Well, there's a lot of, uh, well, it's, uh, you know, like, uh, the… well, there's, uh, you know, uh…well, there's, uh, the pressure."
"Why don't you make me? It's easy; just take your thumb and… push my brain out."
"Now I know why tigers eat their young."
"This is your lunch, okay? Now, I know it's not a great meal, but I think you'll find it's very nourishing."
"When you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you, though."
"Good Lord. If I'd have known you were gonna do all this, I'd have gotten married a long time ago."
"Oh, you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup."
"I tell ya, this steak still has marks where the jockey was hittin' it."
"I mean, the story's preposterous."
"You're not quite the ladies' man I had hoped."
"Oh, Judy's great. She looks like a big toy."
"Oh, my arm. I think you broke my arm."
"And I want a hamburger, no cheese."
"Your uncle says you got a screw loose."
"I think, you know, uh, well, uh, I think… well, I think I may… I may know what you mean."
"Well, I've planned a little get-together for tomorrow night and, you know, I was kinda hopin' that, uh, well, you know, you might join us. You know, you might be, you might be interested, you know?"
"And what's it worth to you? One hundred dollars?"
"You, you little brat."
"All right, you're a witness. Oh, no, you're a witness. What did you say? You're a witness. You're a witness. You're a witness. You're a witness. You… uh, you… Oh, you're a witness. You're a witness. You're a witness."
"I want you to kill every gopher on the course."
"You take drugs, Danny?"
"Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball, Danny."
"It's not your fault. It happens to everybody. They come to your house; they're not your friends."
"So what? So let's dance!"
"You've got to win this hole."
"License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will."
"Cinderella boy, outta nowhere, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"
"Hey, I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods."
"Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!"
"Oh, my arm! It's broken!"
"Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga."
"Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch."
"You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make $14 the hard way?"
"Well, I'm the best judge of character there is."
"Oh, the world needs ditch diggers, too."
"Some people just don't belong."
"My uncle says you've got a screw loose."
"You're a funny kid. How about a Fresca?"
"You're a tremendous slouch."
"I got a lot of bad ideas. I just don't do them."
"Oh, this your wife, huh? Lovely lady. Hey, baby, you must've been something before electricity, huh?"
"This place got a pool?"
"How about a little something, you know, for the effort?"
"Well, uh, you see, uh, free to talk at anytime. Not now."
"Your place got a pool?"
"How 'bout a fresca?"
"That's right, I kill 'em. I kill 'em all."
"My place got a pool, and a pond."
"What's this?"
"How 'bout a little somethin', you know, for the effort?"
"What is this?"
"Well, you're not a member, you're not even an associate member."
"You'll get nothing, and like it."
"I oughta keep you."
"Noonan, you can get this for me?"
"Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too."
"I want a hamburger… no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake."
"It's easy to grin when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worth while is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat."
"I'm no slouch myself. I've been on this course before."
"I've never seen so many 6s!"
"You'll get nothing and like it!"
"I demand satisfaction!"
"Who is that disgusting man over there?"
"Spalding, get your foot off the boat!"
"Do you mind if I play through?"
"I owe it to myself to do something special with my life."
"This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home, and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."
"I'll tell you what, we'll flip for it."
"I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite a while."
"It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying. Hell, I can't understand what you're saying."
"Well, this calls for a really stupid and futile gesture on somebody's part, and we're just the guys to do it."
"Oh, Porterhouse. Look at the wax buildup on these shoes. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now."
"How about a fresca?"
"In the immortal words of Jean-Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher.'"
"Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you must've been something before electricity."
"You, sir, are a moron."
"You're a disgrace to the game, sir."
"You're not a member here, sir. You're not even a guest. You're just a trespasser."
"I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you."
"You're incorrigible."
"I've sent boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."
"You have ruined my hat!"
"Well, I want you to tell them to cut the music."
"You're a funny kid."
"So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
"This place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell me you're Jewish."
"Well, you're certainly the brownest girl in the room."
"You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?"
"Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me."
"You know, the world needs ditch diggers, too."
"Ty, what did you shoot today? Oh, Judge, I don't keep score."
"Spalding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo."
"Don't sell yourself short, Judge, you're a tremendous slouch."
"Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy… So, I guess you've probably been wondering, 'What's a place like this doing in a girl like me?'"
"That's right, you know the rules. Hey, the scholarship money's no good here, fellas! You may as well keep it. Worms!"
"He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away; he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think."
"Oh, Judge, you know what Ted Knight said about this place? He said, 'It's restricted.' And it's restricted."
"All right, Wang, give me a coke."
"All right, tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree."
"Good luck to ya, I believe that's the club championships."
"Noonan!"
"See you later, pops!"
"Oh, you're the Mr. Smails who called?"
"This is your wife, huh? Hey, baby, you must've been something before electricity."
"Spaulding, my boy, it's not so bad!"
"You're the man now, dog."
"Well, Judge, I don't think it's fair to bet. I mean, I never slice."
"You are a worthless, friendless, f* little piece of s* whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't Eugene O'Neill, and who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a f***ing nine-year-old girl!"
"This is your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you must've been something before electricity."
In the whimsical world of Judge Smails, where comedic genius and absurdity reign supreme, we find an enduring source of laughter and entertainment. As Judge Smails himself might say, "You want to make $14 the hard way?" These memorable quotes have transcended the boundaries of the golf course and the silver screen to become a cherished part of comedic history. With each quip and one-liner, Judge Smails reminds us of the power of humor to uplift our spirits and bring joy into our lives.
